It’s the last day of August, which to me often marks the end of summer. September brings school, and I remember being small and not always ready for hot, humid, carefree days to be over. I remember a Mama who baked a birthday cake for the last Sabbath before school started to sing through four birthdays together, before she sent us on the one mile walk along the suburban sidewalk to the brick school with its long hall.
Today is different. Mama who baked has been gone two years now, school begins on Tuesday right here at the kitchen table, and I am ready. My own daughter has become a knowledge seeker, and teaching her has become exciting!
But my fears hang out there still. I’m not sure I’m worthy to be called her “Teacher” because I have not always loved the learning as she has. I am known to be distracted and impatient, and what if I am not what or who she needs?
The thought to homeschool came quietly and startled. I wondered if someone could be moved to go out crazy in a hushed way? I wrestled within. Sleep ran away and a small light shone onto His Word morning after still morning. I had been given this book about counting gifts, the gifts given by the Holy One at every moment, and how, when seeing them and counting them, we are finally able to live, FULLY!! I hadn’t begun to count…yet. But the whispers of Spirit cradled me and carried me, so very gently, to a place of beginning. A beginning of counting.
It was in counting and reading, both this new book and the Holy Word, that the homeschooling idea started to unfold. I was terrified! Homeschooling had held its own stigma and, as stated above, I am sure I was not worthy.
But when we spend time digging through God’s Word, and when we are still enough to listen to what might be the strongest calling of our life, we find ourselves surprised by the journey. The turn in the bend that brings billboards lit by Pure Light we cannot deny. I walked on knees for months before a late night kitchen table conversation with Husband. Me slowly speaking this craziness, eyes looking down. The conviction of my words more clear than I had thought they could be.
Initially revoked, he patiently listened to my heart, and when the clock had spun all around twice, his words surprised me. “You are not the same woman. The change…… you can do this. Because you BELIEVE you can. You’re convicted, and that’s the first step.” And since that night, he has stood with hand on my shoulder, through the ebb and flow of processing the HOW(?).
I have wrestled through all kinds of fears, each time praying, again, searching for God’s guidance, because in this big universe, somehow our lives matter. I don’t know the end, but these are the two He’s allowing me to raise here on earth, and their lives matter greatly to me!
This is yet another file of pure search and I am compiling, because it too will change and grow as I categorize as only an amateur can.
In her book One Thousand Gifts, author and blogger, Ann Voskamp says, “The only way to see God manifested in the world around is with the eyes of Jesus within.” I pray deeply for the eyes of Jesus within this home, because the creating of it is changing, and the character we are trying to mold takes place NOW! Can I ask that you pray for me friend? Pray for the pure humility necessary to raise these two children well, serving unto our great God.
In pure, humbling, search,
~kathy
ps – This book might also wildly change you as it has me. Might you give it a try?
kathy brower 