Sometimes, in most unexpected times, my hands press together and push against my face, and what should be a blackberry syrup recipe coming together, becomes a desperate climb of a mountain. A place to lift mine eyes up to the Lord.
My fall has been too long and my life shows the results. Where did I leave the Holy of this life? It’s obvious to me, its there, only probably tossed up on the dusty shelves along with the heating pad and clean rags. And I remember the falling in love of this God, this man who loves me deeply, and showed me things I only learned as a grown woman. But I had edged His word up on a high shelf too, letting life overcome me and shout it’s demands, and I somehow thought they were more important. I somehow let my head get big enough to believe all this business was God’s work so it should all work out. But I’m standing in a disheveled life wondering what happened, and feeling so sad that I’ve lost the Holy.
Lord forgive me.
I have lost all joy, because I left the presence of God. The God who offers “fullness of joy” if we stand in His presence (Psalm 16:11).
Like the Gravitron at the fair, I let this life spin me too hard and fast until I felt myself with my back pressed against the wall and my head spinning. My holy eyesight merely watching colors and shapes blend. And it’s left me empty. Empty, and honestly, grumpy.
“Joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5), and at four in the morning, the Lord shifts the baby right onto my bladder and another trip to the bathroom. But the moon is full and orange and I find myself in the book of James. My climb up the mountain begins. I don’t want this wild ride of a fair life. I want centered on a blessed name. I want the life God’s formed me for.
“Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom – if you want to know what God wants you to do – ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent you asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can’t make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.” James 1:2-8 NLT
So even when the trouble is my own doing, the Lord throws a climbing rope and the ascend up the mountain becomes sure-footed. I need His wisdom, there’s no question about that.
Lord, be gracious to me.
I feel the wooing of a lover’s heart, and life looks a bit more centered.
In pure search,
~kathy
kathy brower 